The Big “K”

Do you remember those days? Babies and little children underfoot – maybe you’re still in the midst of those days. Laughter and games, silliness and snuggles – and sometimes a little naughtiness; toddlers are awesome (the things kids say when they’re under age five!), even if they can be a lot of work! Our children can be almost our whole world, especially when they are little and so dependent on us that we’re spending a lot of hands-on time caring for them. We are in the process of raising babies to be people – amidst all those cuddles and kisses and so cute behaviors. How can we stand all that wonderfulness?!

And then "The Day" comes. Yes, The Day. The First Day of Kindergarten (or daycare for some of you). Many parents’ biggest dread (beyond health, etc.). Next to "That Other Day" – that we’re totally unaware of in those early years – when we drop them off at a college campus too far away to be of any help to them; I’m balling now. (Oops, apologies to those of you still going through the little stage; I didn’t mean to set you up for alarm, dismay or anxiety – let it all come when it’s supposed to. No worries on that score yet.) After that First Day of Kindergarten, our precious little Mini-Me’s won’t be with us all day, every day. We won’t be able to cuddle with them throughout the day. We won’t be able to see their adorable antics or monitor their behavior. And we won’t be around for so many of their lifelong “firsts”. First acknowledged best friend, first memorizing of the whole alphabet, first full spin on the twirling bars…including the ensuing blisters on their sweet little hands that someone else will “kiss away” their pain with antibiotic and band aids.

Firsts. There are so many of them. First smile, laugh, word, walking, haircut – and now we don’t get to be with them for many of the scads of firsts that are to come. Sure, it’ll be nice to have some time for ourselves (we tell ourselves). Sure, they’ll be home in a matter of hours (we tell ourselves). Sure, it’s a great law for children to have the right to go to school (we tell ourselves). Sure, they have to learn to sink or swim in the world (we tell ourselves). Sure, I’ll get over this need to burst into full-fledged tears – next year it’ll be easier (we tell ourselves). Okay, for some of us, the years following were/are not as bad as that first day they are no longer “ours”. My mom, who hated sending her kids to school every year, would say, “When they start going to school, they are never really yours after that because they begin learning from other people and other children.” They are being molded by others and will change with the tides that are flowing around them – teachers, eras, policies, politics; the tides of influences now surrounding them.

I remember the first day of school for my eldest who was quite shy. It was hard, but we both survived – until a week or two in when she was sick and had to stay home for several days. When she was healthy enough to go back, we missed the bus – one of the few times it happened and probably the worst time to do it, as you’ll see. When I got her to school, classes had already begun, and the teacher had gone to the office. The teacher’s aid was clearly not prepared for a child who was crying and didn’t want to stay. I was trying to reassure my daughter, knowing that if the aide would take her by the hand and lead her into the classroom, she would be fine. Kids are like that – maybe we all are somewhat – we are more likely to cave when our safe person is there to understand or possibly to extricate us and take away the pain. Talk about wrenching my heart out. I knew I couldn’t cave, I knew I couldn’t turn around and take her home, I knew this little sweetheart had to learn to “walk” without momma – and momma without her. Thankfully, before it escaladed, the teacher – who was an awesome teacher – came quickly down the hall, having assessed the situation and said, “she’ll be okay” to me. She, like myself, knew I needed to leave for my daughter to be able to survive in life as it now was. The teacher took her by the hand, talking to her, and led her into the classroom. Her crying eased as the teacher took her attention off of me. Oh, yeah, you better believe I had tears threatening to drop before I made it to the car. Hardest thing. Leaving a child (of any age!), when all you want to do is hug them and take them with you. Being a parent hurts sometimes. But for the sake of the child’s adult life, we have to help them let go and grow at certain stages. Maybe it doesn’t have to be this way; maybe homeschooling is best (which also comes with its issues), but children do have to learn to be strong phase by phase, so they are ready for adulthood. And The Day is a big one. And it can be tough on the siblings left behind at home, as I found when seeing my youngest granddaughter was quite upset seeing her big sister get on the bus without her.

Having to let children grow up, step by little step, is one of the trials of parenting, because that day when they take the Big Leap and you’re getting into your car and leaving them on that huge college campus (or dropping them off or watching them drive away to their first apartment) is coming. You can’t linger indefinitely to make sure they’re going to be okay. You can’t hover or nag or do too much for them other than try to make sure they have what they need before you leave. Mostly, we can’t because whether we’re ready or not – they usually are! Even if they’ve got tears in their eyes or give you the biggest hug they’ve ever given you since they were those sweet, toddling pre-kindergarteners. Even the ones who aren’t quite ready, know they need to be. They love you, but they don’t really want you to hover, nag or provide staples. Most of them are ready to do it on their own – and that’s a good thing. It means you’ve been a good parent, prepared them for the day they leave your home. Because it’ll be your home now. Perhaps for a few years, it’ll still be their home, but not the same. They’ll make their own mark, collect their own people, and have their own place. And because you know all this, you’re doing your best to keep it together for their sake until you drive down the road and have to pull over (or in my case, let your husband do the driving), so you can have a good cry on the way to the home that will never be quite the same. But that’s life with children, and it’s good and supposed to be this way – arrows from the bow – and in time, you will adjust and learn to create more of your life now that you’re not working to help them with their life as much. Life rolls and changes, and we have to adjust. There can be joy in that time when you let them go. It will be exciting to watch them even if it is from a distance. Find the joy of letting the “little” butterfly that is your child free to fly and become who they will become. Then be sure to enjoy the people you have around you now. (But it's okay to cry in the letting go – heck, I am crying with you! For you first timers especially!)

Sometimes, they are ready to grow up before we are ready to let them!