Butterflies. I promise, this is not another insect blog, even though I think most of us love butterflies. I kept seeing them flitting about the yard and knew that somehow they would prompt this week’s blog. Kind-of weird how my brain works, because the title of the 1972 movie, Butterflies are Free, popped into my head and sent me down an unexpected path. This blog is about freeing our spirits, letting go of burdens we don’t need to carry. Sometimes those burdens are people or things we can’t let go of; addictions or unforgiveness, bad habits or lifestyles: anything that keeps us from being free. Free to live in peace. Free to be joyful. Free to love again – without “strings”, because we don’t need strings – or ropes. They’ll only tie us in knots. Free to grow and cherish and be who we are and let others be who they are. Free to feel lighter, brighter, and able.
Let’s travel this butterfly road with our relationships. Loving our people is one of the most important, impacting parts of life. Everyone has had someone they’ve loved or been loved by; parents, spouse/partner, children, friends…enemies. Yup, I said enemies, because some of those relationships will tie us up in knots, drag us down, or rip us to shreds – emotionally and/or physically. Thus, the person becomes an enemy to us, to who we are, to who we can be. They take our freedom to be and to grow from us. If there is no hope for growth or change, reconciliation and healing, then sometimes it’s better to let go. And letting go is hard for most of us. Hard. We need our human relationships. Some of us even crave them, which can be hazardous to us if we’re not careful. [Definition break: Need – require (something) because it is essential or very important; a necessity; required. Crave – feel a powerful desire for (something). The archaic meaning is: beg for (something).] When we seek to fulfill our true need for companionship, we can be at least somewhat logical or careful about it and make better choices/decisions, whereas if we beg for something, we’re much more likely to make allowances for someone when they’re treating us damagingly just because we crave that relationship in our lives. (I’m talking about abusive or detrimental behavior, not just average disagreements, differences, or personality traits that can be worked on and that are part of life, of growing and, if troubling or growing more frequent, may be helped with good communication skills, marriage counseling or support groups.)
Holding on is a natural human quality – there’s certainty in staying. It’s one of the six needs people have (certainty, significance, love and connection, growth, and contribution). But for our own mental and physical health, it’s sometimes best to go against certainty for a while and leave before we’re in too deep. The longer we ignore the situation, the harder the path to healing and rediscovery will be – and remember, it is going to be hard. But sometimes hard things need doing, and the rewards of a freed spirit – the core of who we are – are worth all the effort. Keep in mind, however, that there is a journey of healing and growth in letting go, otherwise we tend to use the past to justify our current decisions. If we were rejected by someone years before, we may not want to leave someone now for fear of not finding anyone else. Or maybe our parents divorced, and so we think we could never have a good, lasting relationship. The memories justify our present choices and actually work against us.
So, how do we let go? First, know that sometimes we need help to go through this, perhaps even to see if the relationship is salvageable before coming to the “I have to leave” step. How do you know if you should extract yourself from a relationship? Obviously, if there is a threat to your physical or mental health, it should be time. Generally, if it causes you more pain than pleasure, or if trust has eroded to the point that repair is impossible, then think seriously about what’s best for you. If you are certain that your future happiness is dependent upon a new beginning, then chances are you may have come to the point of needing to dissolve the relationship. When you have come to this decision, it will help you to move on. Find a trusted friend or a counselor to help you walk through the process. If you decide to “go it alone”, do it in a safe, healing manner. There are lots of helpful articles we can read for ways to do it best. In this blog, I’ve collected some information from Counseling Recovery’s “10 Ways To Let Go Of Someone You Love” mixed in with some great additions from The Tony Robbins Blog that I hope will help anyone that may be contemplating this move. His blog “How To Let Go: Discover How To Move On From The Past And Embrace The Future, is a good resource, if anyone is looking for help.
Once you’ve decided you can’t stay in a damaging relationship, don’t let negative thoughts hold you back. Don’t limit yourself to beliefs that you will always be alone, etc. Tell yourself that you are loveable and deserve better. Be open to what possibilities are out there for you. Our thoughts and words can build up or tear down.
To help the “letting go” process begin, try using step one in the “10 Ways To Let Go Of Someone You Love” list. Begin to detach yourself from the person mentally. Close your eyes and picture them as outside your circle of relationships (concentric circles). Imagine their emotional energy away. Continue to use this exercise to distance yourself from them, imagining them farther and farther away each time. Send them to the other side of the planet, if you want – or outer space! Not to punish them, but to help you separate emotionally from them. Keep those you trust in your concentric circles. In time, this should give you back your emotional energy and make it easier to step away from the negative relationship.
The other nine steps in the “10 Ways…” list are focused on after the break. The second step is so important: take a good, hard look at the relationship and see where it failed and how you could have done things differently on your end. (You can’t change the other person, but you can strive to change your own behavior patterns and the choices you make going forward.) Look for what did and didn't work, for red flags – anything you sensed was a sign of danger or destruction – and if any of the feedback the “ex” gave you might be worth looking into. Truth about ourselves is hard to take – especially from the person who is hurting or angering you, but worth the effort of getting past the initial offense and seeing if it really is something you may need to change going forward. We don't want to carry bad behavior patterns into the next relationship.
Step three: grieve. Yes, even if it was the worst kind of relationship possible: grieve. It is still a loss. Let your heart hurt for its loss, so you can move on without the baggage. [See my last two blogs on mourning.]
Fourth step: Write about it. Journaling allows us to vent our frustration without fear of judgment, and it promotes healing. It also helps us see what’s important, delete the crap (over time), and can help us to track our progress.
The fifth step: don’t try to read their minds. Remember what “assume” means? It makes an ass out of u and me: ass-u-me. No matter how much we think we know someone, we can’t really know what is going on in their head. Mind reading can be an attempt to figure out what went wrong, but it most likely will lead to creating a victim mentality in ourselves. It’s hard to grow when we’re stuck in seeing ourselves as the victim – no matter how much we may or may not have been a victim.
The sixth step could be a little harder for some of us, especially if we tend to hang on to what people have done to us. In essence, number six is forgiveness. Please, notice that this step was placed later in the line-up, which may tell us that it is understandably not going to happen immediately. We may need some of that grieving time to process it before being able to forgive. In this list, the author says that when we use the concentric circles, rather than focus on how you want the other person to change, we need to redirect our energy back to ourselves – put ourselves back in the center of our circle. We need to imagine them on their way to a new life (just as we are on a new path) and wish them well. The neat thing about these repeated exercises is that, in time, you can learn to actually do it and reap the benefits of really letting go. Unforgiveness can bind us, alter us, and wound us. Yes, us. Very likely the other person doesn’t know they’ve erred or don’t care, so holding onto insults and injuries generally only hurts us. If it does hurt the other person to be at odds with us, then chances are there is a way to reconciliation, so both parties can move on from it. On the other hand, if there is no way you will get an apology of any sort, you may as well let it go. If you seek to punish the other person by not forgiving them when you are mentally distancing yourself, you will only end up hurting yourself. Unforgiveness is a heavy burden that causes much anger and distress – to ourselves. “Letting go” is good for our hearts. Forgiveness lessens pain, calms us and relaxes the heart, which leads to a healthier heart.
Step number seven: Get support from trusted friends or try Al-Anon (support group) for relationship help – it will make the whole ordeal so much easier and smoother with less long-term issues, such as depression.
Number eight: Keep your eyes on what you can control – yourself. Don’t try to manipulate the outcome. Control can give a false sense of safety and any attempts to change the outcome that fail will cause more of a sense of failure. We can’t control anyone but ourselves, and sometimes we even need help with that. [Control issues tend to come from people pleasing and are aspects of codependent relationships – but that’s not for this blog. You can google that one, if you feel the need…or maybe I will another week.]
You’re likely to be tired when you’re striving to let go. Possibly even mildly depressed for a while. So, number nine, try not to make any major decisions or start new projects for a while. Nurture yourself; say no to activities, and let yourself rest and heal. Don’t fight the pain, honor it. Go ahead and cry. And lastly, number ten, be gentle with yourself. Don’t beat yourself up over your mistakes in the relationship. That will only intensify the pain. There is a process to healing, grief, and change. It takes time and is part of our journey on planet Earth.
I’m not an advocate for divorce, in part because of the pain that is caused to everyone around it – not just the two people involved – and in part because our relationships should be helping us to grow, to mature. Some friction in our lives is good for us, but if you are suffering in a damaging relationship that is sucking the life out of you, causing you to stagnate or go backward, or is dangerous to your wellbeing in any way, do get help. Talk to trusted people, counselors, or whatever is necessary. And if need be – get out. Personally, I learned that it’s better being alone than in a damaging relationship. Though some of you may not be at a point of wanting to know this. My heart is with you.
This life is short, and no one should live it in fear, in condemnation, in pain. Get out. And, like the butterflies, be free again.
I also liked this list from www.marcandangel.com:
Ways to Let Go and Move On
· Accept the truth and be thankful. - To let go is to be thankful for the experiences that
made you laugh, made you cry, and helped you learn and grow. ...
· Distance yourself for a while. ...
· Focus only on what can be changed. ...
· Claim ownership and full control of your life. ...
· Focus inward. ...
· Change the people around you. ...
· Take a chance. ...
· Focus on today. ...
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