When you’re around someone who quite recently lost a loved one, do you feel uncomfortable or find it hard to know what to say or do? Some people who are mourning a loss, need those around them to talk about something else, to give them the opportunity to laugh for a moment, to forget for a moment, to remember life is still worth living, and there are people still to love and be loved by. Of course, some people need us to just be silent and let them mourn. We can just “walk beside them”, in case they fall or need a hand to be held; so of course, be sensitive to other’s needs and not your own feelings of futility as to how to respond or comfort. (I added a few guidelines at the end of the blog.) And remember, there are many different things we mourn from: loss of a person, a pet, a job, divorce or separation, empty nest, retirement, external objects (house fire, etc.) or a loss of self (Alzheimer, etc.).
Grief really is a solitary journey that needs to be traveled, though we can take those willing along with us, and people do it differently. Some of us are going to cry or wail, and some of us are going to grieve quietly. Some will want to keep busy and not think about it as much as possible, to sort it out on their own terms, while others will try to hide from the world for a time; curl up in their “turtle shell”. Since we are all individuals, we have our own ways and timing for mourning. Some people will be able to process it and “move on” more quickly, while others will never really “get over it”. Of course, those who move on quickly should realize that they may actually be burying the pain, brushing aside the loss, and it could catch up to them one day. In her book/article The Onion Effect: Understanding The Tears And Layers Of Loss, Janelle Breese Biagioni says that there’s only one wrong way to grieve and that is to not grieve.
On the flip side, a person can mourn indefinitely in an injurious way. Harvard psychologist, Dr. Holly Prigerson, says “good” grief, although extremely painful, is a normal process of learning to adjust to life that must be lived without the loved one. It helps people get through the worst of their loss/pain and to continue to function, as well as find meaning in life. Prolonged (or complicated) grief is more intense, persistent, disabling and life-altering. It can be seen as a severe threat to the survivor's identity, sense of self-worth, feelings of security, safety or hopes for future happiness. While normal grief can remain with a bereaved person far into the future, its ability to disrupt the person's life disperses with time. Not so with prolonged grief. Prolonged grief does not resolve naturally, and it severely and adversely affects and incapacitates the life of a mourner. The person is so focused on the loss that it is difficult to care about anything else, and they may ponder on death and long for a reunion with the departed. Life has little meaning or purpose, and the future holds no hope of joy, satisfaction or pleasure. (If you have been concerned for someone who seems to be “prolonging” their grief of a loved one, please take Dr. Prigerson’s thoughts into consideration. It may just be the way a person is doing their grieving is different than what you’ve experienced. If you feel you are suffering with prolonged grief, please consider getting help.)e is a process to mourning, and it can be much like pealing an onion, one layer at a time – crying as you go. Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross first came up with the concept of grief being like the layers of an inion. Her book, On Death and Dying (1969), was a diamond in the medical and mental health fields, giving a wealth of different concepts and ways to help people mourn. The layers, or stages, of grief include: denial, anger, bargaining, depression & acceptance, which some have taken to believe as the “law of grieving” and how to mourn properly, but before she died, she admitted that this model for grief was not meant to be a list of complete behaviors, but rather a list of possible responses to grief. Some people will bounce back and forth between them. She certainly opened the door to new concepts in grieving. So much so, there has since been a much larger assortment of emotions and/or responses recognized that include: shock, numbness, disbelief, disorganization, confusion, anxiety, panic, fear, physiological changes, explosive emotion, sadness and more (Dr. Alan Wolfelt, the Centre for Loss & Life Transitions). Dr. Wolfelt believes that a grieving person is working toward reconciliation and healing.
Having grieved a fair amount myself, I agree with Dr. Wolfelt. We have to adjust to the lost (of whoever or whatever) – no matter how long it takes us, which means we should strive to reconcile (merge or resolve) ourselves to the change/loss, and that will ultimately bring healing. We don’t have to try and erase the person from our minds or hearts; on the contrary, they helped make us who we are. They are a part of us, and that’s a good thing. We just have to continue to live a life worth living without their physical presence.
This week’s info is more on the clinical side, and next week I’ll get a little more personal with it. If you’re mourning right now (and who isn’t on some level?), hang in there. In time, you will adjust and the pain will lessen – but do give yourself the time you need to get there. Soak in the sunshine, take all the hugs you can get, and strive to be peaceful. Reconciliation and healing are coming.
~*~
The keys to helping a loved one who’s grieving:
· Don’t let fears about saying or doing the wrong thing stop you from reaching out.
· Let your grieving loved one know that you’re there to listen.
· Understand that everyone grieves differently and for different lengths of time.
· Offer to help in practical ways.
· Maintain your support after the funeral.
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