Lovebirds…finches always seem to be in twos – and later in threes – in our yard. I am not sure if they are a couple, and then later dad, mom & a youngster, or if they just have a buddy system, but I do sometimes see what appears to be a “couple.” (I could google it, but I would rather ponder over it.) I was watching them one day pecking away at our sunflowers, often hanging upside down, and they got me thinking about how they seem to work together as they gathered food.
Most of my regular readers are thinking, “Really? She’s used up a whole paragraph with birds? This has got to be a two-parter blog.” And you could be right. Let’s see how it goes… [It turned into 3 parts; bear with me because this works for any relationship or group, not just marriage and the best part, according to my proof reader, is the third blog.
The finches got me tackling the “institution of marriage.” What? Where did that phrase come from? Really? Institution? That seems cold. Marriage to me is a partnership not an institution. A partnership of loving, helping, and working toward goals, especially goals of improving each other in ways that are affirming and helpful; it is building a future together – with or without kids.
[Definition break:] Amongst the different definitions I found, this was the most logical: “The institution of marriage is a religious/social/legal construct that defines behavior, expectations and consequences for failure.” It went on to say “love” is not necessary. Huh. Well, I guess in the “old days,” love was not always a factor. Making a union to carry on the family line – with the right people, to combine properties, etc. – was more important than a couples’ wants. I like to think most cultures have gotten past all that "family lines" stuff, after all, the USA is mostly just a bunch of mutts now. Although money and property probably is still an issue – so I should give up on that “like to think.”
In a church wedding service we hear: “And two shall be as one.” It sounds romantic, yes? Two people blending hearts and lives as one – a romantic fusion? (The soft, sweet music fades…as reality sets in.) It is possible to get to that point, but, well, folks, it takes time. In fact, it can take decades of getting to know each other and each other’s strengths and weaknesses, and learning how to appreciate how we can work together instead of fight each other, to appreciate our partner’s qualities rather than get upset with their faults. Learning to treasure the things that they can do that we can’t is especially helpful in a strong marriage/partnership. And all of that takes time because we all start out not knowing what we need to know and screwing up along the way no matter how nice a person we are or how good we are dealing with people, etc. Sometimes we learn after we leave a situation that maybe we didn’t have it so bad. Then we grow up a bit, and if we are lucky or smart, we step into the next relationship ready to see things differently. Or at least, more willing to learn to work together for basic survival and some order and peace in our lives. A partnership, yes. Working together.
Okay, so my regular, faithful readers were right: this blog is too long for one part. After all, topics like relationships are bound to take a lot of words… (Be sure you are not the only one getting to talk in your relationship! I am sometimes guilty of this myself! Writers are usually also good with vocal words, lol.) For this week – don’t look at your marriage/partnership as an institution. Look at it as a growing, loving, treasured platform to becoming the best that you both can be. And remember, we are all still working at it!
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