We’ve covered gossiping and letting go of other’s opinions. Now we’ll tackle people-pleasers. People pleasing may sound innocuous enough, but in truth it can be very self-harming. The potential damage is far reaching. Everything from stress and anxiety, fatigue and illness to resentment, regret, dysfunctional relationships, and a lack of joy, freedom, and meaning and purpose for their lives. It can even cause political obedience and conformity.
[Definition break: people-pleasers: trying to please others, while harming themselves in the process.] People-pleasers commonly need to please others because of a fear of rejection, insecurities, a need to be well-liked, a fear of failure or of letting someone down – possibly even fearing punishment or negative consequences. They have a need for others’ approval, but don’t need other people to do things for them.
When researching this trait, I found that it can be rooted in early relationships. People-pleasers may have had to earn their parent’s love and affection, or the parent(s) was inconsistent or unavailable emotionally, or the home was somehow unsafe, unstable or abusive, including behavior from siblings. People-pleasers continue to seek approval and validation from others instead of seeking it from within. Because of this, they remain in low self-worth – unaware of their behavior patterns or what they want or need – and so look to others’ needs and suppress their own. They almost never say “no”, cannot assert themselves, and only feel valued when they let others dictate whatever is going on. They will apologize or take the blame when they are not at fault and make excuses for others’ faults all the while worrying about what others think of them.
If you’re afraid you are fitting into this category, consider that people-pleasers actions are not based on love or generosity, but fear. There’s a big difference between a loving-hearted person often going the extra mile to help someone else and a broken or unfilled-hearted person who HAS to help others to feed their worth, their existence. This behavioral pattern is a trauma response, an adaptive coping mechanism that needs to be broken. It is not needed anymore.
There are ways to combat people-pleaser tendencies. First, take a good look at yourself and why you do what you do; basically, get to know yourself and discover what you value: your beliefs, emotions, and needs. This will help you value yourself with self-compassion. Second, don’t blame or judge yourself; remember people-pleasing is a coping mechanism that was formed to keep you safe. Third, listen to your gut feelings; they inform us of what feels right and wrong. Four, practice honesty with others. Communication’s main purpose is to connect with others, and we must open up and convey ourselves truthfully in order to connect properly. Lastly, learn to set boundaries; when to say yes, and when to say no – like when requests are unreasonable or beyond your abilities or emotional status. You are responsible for you and your feelings and reactions, but not others’.
Sometimes it feels like we can't please anyone – and in truth sometimes we can't! So, keep living and growing and enjoy YOUR life. We have our own responsibilities to be the best we can be. That’s enough work without trying to live up to everyone else’s opinions or demands.
If you want more detailed descriptions on how to change your people pleasing behavior patterns, seek other sources online or see Sofo Archon’s full article*. If you need help, seek a counselor. We all need help at some point in our lives. Don’t be afraid or embarrassed to accept it from others.
Psychology Today: People-Pleasing
*People-Pleasing: A Trauma Response, and How to Stop It; SOFO ARCHON
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