Who said what?! Who told you that?! How do they know it’s true?! Gossip is a poisonous snake, weaving its way through imaginary corridors in our minds and off tongues of malice, ready to strike at someone’s heart at any moment… That deadly snake has caused mischief, depression, fear, unrest, anxiety, and even suicide. It extends off careless tongues (or cruel or thoughtless texting fingers) and worms its way into another’s mind. It readjusts the intake to the new person’s viewpoint, then snakes its way into the next conversation – until it returns to the person it is about. Whether there was truth in the original comments or not, there is poison in it that seldom needs to be spread, and it usually ends up being like the proverbial fish story: much bigger and more untruthful than when it began.
If you’ve ever heard someone talking about you behind your back or someone tells you that it is happening, and I’m sure all or most of us have, then you know how the bite of that snake feels. It cuts straight to the heart, especially if it’s a lie or if the people doing the talking hate you or just don’t have a clue as to why you did what you did. It is a wise person indeed who knows all the reasons and ways of those around them.
Of course, the opposite side of that coin of gossip against us is that we have all said things we shouldn’t about others as well, so we shouldn’t take it too much to heart when we hear others talking about us. We should also remember that all gossip – inert or malicious – can backfire.
A google search says we are all guilty of gossiping, but much of it is not with the negative implications that we commonly think gossip is. Most gossip is chiefly neutral and is more about collecting social information. It can even be beneficial if people are saying useful, important or good things about another – it gets around. Yet even as a social skill, we should be careful what we share and who we share with whether it’s information about someone else or ourselves. Even if we don’t intend it to be negative or malicious, the next person may. And negative or deeply personal gossip only causes distrust and pain.
Why do people gossip? Some people are just overly curious and can’t hold in questions they should not be asking or stop themselves from saying what they’ve learned about someone. Some people are bored or lonely and eager to gain another’s ear, and sometimes they say more than they should in the joy of having a listener.
But often the roots of “deadly” gossip are so that we can feel good about ourselves by judging another’s behavior as worse. Some gossipers feel sorry for a person going through a tough time and are afraid it may happen to them. Others may take pleasure in someone else’s pain and are delighted that it’s not happening to them, or simply that they know something that others do not. People afraid to go to the source and needy people also tend to gossip - and sorry, ladies, women are more likely to be vindictive in their gossip than men. People who are anxious or uncertain (according to my sources) are the most likely to spread rumors; when they feel out of control of their life or world issues, gossip can help assuage that feeling. It can make them feel empowered.
Negative gossip can also be a sign that you are hard on yourself, and therefore also critical of others. Try being kinder to yourself, build up your confidence and look for healthy ways to cope with your frustrations with others.
Share helpful information when needed or with an intent for understanding, but not negative, destructive or “nosy” information.
Keep in mind that when an intervention is necessary to stop a dangerous or unhealthy vein in another’s life, potential suicide, etc., it won’t be gossip. It will be love, carefully used, and told only to the necessary people who can help. In this vein, it is not gossip but a necessity. And it should never be done with a malicious or jealous intent.
We all need reassurance, and it’s okay to share our more personal details, but be careful, be kind, and be forgiving.
Izzy Casey’s article on YourTango - Oct 1, 2021
Jennifer Lea Reynolds, Rumor Has It: Why People Gossip and How You Can Cope
Ways to respond to negative gossipers:
1 - Focus on the positive things you know about the “victim”. It may change the perspective and turn the conversation in a positive direction.
2 - Recognize its impact on you
3 - Avoid gossip; politely leave the situation
4 - Confront gossip: tell a gossiper you are not interested in hearing what feels like gossip, then change the topic.
5 - Turn a negative into a positive: ask the gossiper how they can help:
Ways to handle when you are the topic
1 - Go to the gossiper and strive to reach a better awareness of what is transpiring. Correct any wrong information.
2 - Let it go, forget it: some people love to spread bad gossip, especially about anyone in the media/limelight. Develop a “thick skin”. Pursuing it will likely only feed it. If you ignore it, you cheat the gossipers of the reaction they are hoping for.
#1 I was blackballed by a group because I refused to engage in gossip. #2At one timi your Dad rode to work with 5 men, he said all they did was gossip. #3 Mom said "people talk about others hoping it prevents anyone talking about them" #4 EXCELLENT Blog.