Healthy Layers of Pain – Part II Continuing on with how to grieve our losses.

Healthy Layers of Pain – Part II Continuing on with how to grieve our losses.

Writing about grief can be difficult as losing our beloved ones is one of the deepest pains of this earthly life. Loss affects us deeply, sometimes severely, and never totally leaves us. Which isn’t all bad, as long as it’s healthy (see last week’s blog for details on Prolonged Grief). Our memories of our beloved are a piece of us; a running picture of the one we miss so much. And that’s good. It’s good to remember them. It’s good to recall the joy and fun we had with them. It’s good to remember they affected our lives in different ways – this can help us to see ourselves more clearly. But don’t let the memories overtake your life. We need to continue the natural process of healing and reconciling ourselves to our new way of life.

Moving on from last week: the loss of a child’s parent will likely change chunks of that child’s life (this can/does include divorce, depending on the circumstances and how the parents handle it). The child knows and lives with the knowledge that life will be never the same – it is now altered. The path they were on, that their entire family was on, must suddenly take a severe shift. It will never be the same. A new road must be traveled – and none of them have any control over this. Either the parent who died was the primary bread winner and the loss of income causes the parent who was home with the kids to go to work, and the children are suddenly in daycare or on their own without their safety-net person. Or the parent who is with the children the most is suddenly gone and now the children are in daycare with strangers or a less known family member while trying to cope with the loss, but not being old enough to know how to or even that you need to. Not only is one of the most important people in their life suddenly gone and there’s a huge hole in their heart, but the death is going to alter life as they know it. How many siblings never had the chance to be born? Will the parent left behind have any time for them? Will they have to move, change schools, leave all their friends behind, go into the unknown? How will their new level of income affect their style of living? How much change will be needed in our surroundings to survive the death?

While children are generally resilient, they will be affected, changed. My father died at the age of thirty-two, when I was six and a half, and I have lived my entire life knowing that at any moment someone I love could die; because someone I loved did die – young. It’s been a part of me, like breathing. On one hand, it encourages me to love and appreciate the people around me. On the other hand, it has given me a certain sadness and even perhaps stress that I have also lived with as if part of me. Fortunately, I was also a wise little optimist (we’ll even say giggler), so I adjusted along with my mother and many siblings. It was indeed a journey of shock, sorrow, and great adjustment, but we survived and then thrived the best that we could. And though we will carry it with us until we die, we can be happy and bloom as we carry on.

Similar things can be said for when a loved one suffers from a brain injury or dementia or such ailments, the family are forced to not just adjust to the loss of the person they knew and who knew them, but their lifestyles will generally be changed drastically as well. It’s a whole other dimension. The household suddenly has an invalid, needing constant care, a loss of income, and, unless there’s money for medical care workers, the children will likely have a vast amount of responsibilities they will need to take on to help the family survive. They become co-workers around the house or in the care process, instead of growing up as normal children do. (See S.H.A.R.E. at the end of the blog.)

Mourning a loved one – a parent, child, or spouse/partner is hard, extraordinarily painful, and something we never totally move on from, but we can reconcile ourselves to the loss and heal. We’ll need to learn to walk life without them present anymore. Our memories keep them alive in us, but we miss their physical presence, their laughter, smiles, quirks, scowls, moods, hugs…we miss them. The dearer and closer the relationship, the harder it is to let go. If you’ve never experienced such grief, or are not an emotional type of person, please do not say “Aren’t you over that yet?” to a person who seemingly can’t let go. Not understanding another person’s grief or pain does not make it an unhealthy grief. One person I know is still mourning the loss of a pet five years later. Another person I know, closed herself and her children off from the world for weeks after her husband died, then came out, got a degree in psychology and moved forward freely. For the most part, I’m a quiet, tuck-in-my-shell griever, and on a certain level, I still hold some of the grief in my heart, but people very likely don’t see it – because I’ve chosen to keep it mine; to keep the memories deep in my heart. Not seeing another person’s grief does not mean they didn’t go through the grieving process. Let’s let people process it however they need to, especially if they’re grieving for a lost child. That is a level of pain that I will not get into here. Whether it’s a miscarriage or an adult child, the loss it astronomical, uncalculatable, with you forever. Don’t tell people they have to let go. Why should they? Love is the strongest emotion and the strongest verb. We feel and live it. We make love happen, and the people we love are a part of us. Why sever what or who was beautiful and important to us? But, yes, some of us do need to finish the layers of grief, to learn how to live without the person in a healthy way, to THRIVE without those who aren’t with us physically anymore.

I pray comfort and blessings on all who have lost those closest to you. It is a painful process, but you can grow out of it and from it. Let your path be altered as needed, and hold onto the love that you still have around you. There are still many who need your love. Learn, heal, walk on, and then pass on the comfort that you have received or wished to have received.

~*~

Individuals and families living with loss have special needs. If it’s due to a medical transformation, these needs can be significant and they will likely need help.

The S.H.A.R.E. list – ways to help:

Supports – people need short-term and long term support from a variety of people.

Hope – an effect of loss is hopelessness. They want to know happiness will return in their life; however, they have little capacity to hear it. Gentle reassurance is important.

Acknowledge –help the person to express and acknowledge what it is they have lost. Don’t persuade, dissuade or judge.

Reflection – healing requires turning inward. Personal reflection facilitates the searching for meaning and understanding of what has happened and how one will survive.

Engage in life – when the person reconnects with loved ones, friends, coworkers and community, it is a sign of healing.