Many years ago, I read an article written by a marriage counselor on the key to a great marriage. The counselor, wanting to know why some marriages are successful and others are not, spent time interviewing a number of couples whose marriages were happy and healthy. The common denominator in every one was that when spoken to separately from the spouse, every one of them said their partner did so much more for them than they did for their spouse. Which means they were seeing all the wonderful things their spouse did and not noticing that they were also giving to the relationship just as much or more. There was no “what are they doing for me” counting. Only “what can I do for her/him”? It created an unconditional, “give all” love to the relationship and took out negative “self” demands.
My husband is a good example. He often says, “I will never be able to catch up to you.” (In terms of what I’ve done for him and his children – we put eight children together when we got married.) In the early years that could have been true, but now that he has more time to devote to the house, etc., he has been making a huge attempt at doing so. I would say he will catch up any day now. Not that that matters, as what really counts is that he is trying. As I mentioned last week, circumstances shift and change. We have flipped. I am the one working a steady job these days, and he is at home, so he is now the one taking care of a larger portion of the housework, errands, etc. (If only he’d learn to cook!) So, if you are in a stretch where you feel you are doing most of the work in the partnership, give it time; it could change and maybe the partner ends up doing more than you for a while. (This does not excuse laziness, etc. Remember, both partners should be invested in the relationship, and, therefore, those things that create a healthy atmosphere and taking care of each other’s needs.)
The thing is, GIVE. Give yourself, your gifts, time, abilities to the relationships in your life – and to those in need for that matter. And if you have a decent person as your partner, hold on to them, encourage them to be the best they can be and help them achieve it when possible. Don’t criticize, bring down, or complain about their traits that really bug you or what they aren’t doing for you. Some things can be worked on and should be worked on, but some things are just the way they are. Love is a verb. I have said it for ages. Love is not a full heart – those are the results of love, of giving and receiving: joy, peace, contentment, and so forth. Love is doing, planting, watering, tilling, forgiving, helping… Love your people. Give yourself. It always comes back when you do, one way or another.
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