How would you feel if someone told you you were a twin, but that your twin didn’t survive? Would you be surprised or shocked? Very likely one or both. Would you feel sorrow? If not at first, you might at some point. Would you feel an emptiness, or a sense that you’d always felt a little empty, but never understood why? Perhaps immediately. Perhaps eventually. Perhaps never.
Years ago, when there were two heart beats in a womb early on, but one disappeared during the pregnancy, no one said anything about it. The parents were allowed to be joyous over the birth of the child they held in their arms; the blessing of a new life without the sorrow of loss that comes with a miscarried one. It’s lovely in a way, yet does that mean that the lost child is never acknowledged, never mourned? Is that okay? Perhaps it depends on the parents and the surviving child as they grow. Is the loss felt in that wee baby that survived? Do they grow up knowing there was someone beside them in that womb who should still be beside them, close to them? Are they a sadder person as they grow? Do they handle grief better or worse than other people? Will they find it harder to bond with other people? Or can they only truly bond with one person?
Interesting questions for some of us, myself especially as I am one of those people – I wasn’t told until I was well into adulthood. Which in itself didn’t bother me – not being told as a child. Who needs that growing up? We have enough to sort out along the way. But I do remember being surprised, a little shocked and sad, and thinking that I somehow knew there was a loss in me; something missing, something sad. And I do handle grief severely. But is it because I lost my twin in the womb, or because my father died when I was only six and a half, a cherished grandmother at the difficult age of thirteen, and a newborn baby boy when I was still a teenager? I will probably never know, but it does make me wonder. Because the bond between twins seems to be extraordinary.
One of our neighbors had two sets of identical twins – can you imagine it?! One of the sets liked to try and fool their parents at the dinner table as to who was who. Funnily, they could fool dad, but their mom always knew who was who. I read recently that the blood of babies in the womb mixes with the mother’s (I’m probably saying it wrong), and a piece of the mom and child remain with each other for decades. So, was it the twins DNA running through her veins that caused her to always know, or was she just around them more and knew their little differences of character or movements and such?
The DNA could possibly be the cause. There is a set of identical twins (Sklar brothers) who were so similar as infants even the mother couldn’t tell them apart. She would put pins on their diapers to identify who was who. Of course, the inevitable happened and the babies were separated from mom long enough to have their diapers removed (at a doctor’s appointment) and when they were returned, she had to guess which one was which. Can you imagine how that must have felt? That poor woman – and the sons as well when they were told as adults that they may have the wrong name! However, a footprint expert was able to look at their hospital baby footprints and found a distinctive marking on one of them that determined that the mother had been right all along. Wow. Luck or DNA? Science is amazing – miraculous.
I have known a number of sets of twins from a distance – several of my children were close to some twins – but I’ve never been especially close to a set of twins (unless you count myself – which doesn’t count, of course), so I searched the internet for a few details. Whether they are fraternal or identical twins, the love between them is pretty special. My two closest daughters (fifteen months apart) were forbidden to ever be on the same side when we play a thinking or recall game because one night they beat the pants off of everyone else. One of the girls would say one word and the other one would know the answer. They were that close in age and social generational ways and knowledge that what took the rest of us ten or twenty tries, they only needed that one word. I expect twins would have this going for them as they are the same age, literally, and would grow up in the same culture, history, etc. Because of these surroundings, there are some logical similarities that are bound to make them close.
But it’s a lot deeper than that. Twins are so close they can feel each other’s joy, pain, sorrow and laughter. I do get this a little as there are some people in my life that when something happens that triggers a memory all I have to do is look in their eyes and I know they’re thinking the same thing (quite possibly we’re both trying to keep from laughing). Is this much stronger in twins? It seems it is. Also, I have a great deal of empathy for others, so I can sense that this is how twins are with each other. Is it my loss of a twin that makes my soul reach out to others’ pain and sorrow and make it mine – or is it just me? I certainly know plenty of “single” people with the gift of empathy (although I’m not sure if it’s a gift or a curse).
While twins have someone to share all their joys and sorrows, toys and friends with – the internet source I found said they do tend to have the same friends – there are issues as well, as with any children. For instance, people tend to compare them to each other, and even though they are similar in features and possibly even in personalities, they are individual people with their own talents and preferences. No one likes being compared to another sibling, but it must be worse when you already appear to be the same person – because chances are there are those who think of you as almost the same person. The love they have for each other can be turned against each other. Sibling rivalry will have its day, but hopefully not be a lifelong journey.
Twins generally bond very well, but, interestingly to me, some do not bond at all. When they don’t, they, being the same age, won’t like to share their parents love and attention with each other. (This can also be the case with children very close in age as well as stepchildren of the same age.) The bond between the twins will likely become strained. Which is sad since the support, understanding, and care that twins give each other is irreplaceable. The bond should be cherished, both by them and by the family. Let it happen and do your best to not compare them or “like” one of them better. Everyone has their best and least qualities. Just because we may lean toward a certain quality does not mean we have to make that the "better" or more special person.
As for the medical side of things, it was around 1945 when doctors started to realize that some singe births began as twin pregnancies. Prior to ultrasound (unless the pregnancy was a little more advanced and there were undeniably two heartbeats), the only way to know if there was a “vanishing twin” was to examine the placenta after the birth of the surviving twin. One study says about 36% of twin pregnancies experience vanishing twin syndrome (VTS), and around 50% of multiple (more than one baby) pregnancies experience it. Some researchers say these numbers are increasing. Very likely because of procedures like in vitro fertilization (IVF) which sometimes means more than one fertilized egg is transferred to the mother. Often one or more of the eggs do not survive. The primary culprits to vanishing twins, prior to or besides fertilizing procedures, are abnormal chromosomes, older mothers, placenta abnormalities, diseases or infections the mother might have, or genetic factors. These types of conditions will most likely terminate a twin in the early stages of the pregnancy. If it’s in the later stages, the mother and surviving baby will be monitored.
The loss of a twin in the womb, as with any miscarriage, can cause the parents grief, and sometimes the surviving twin can develop feelings of guilt. In these instances, it’s a good idea to get some family counseling or other mental health help.
I expect many of you have some curious or wonderful stories about the twins in your life – especially you twins out there; I’d love to hear them! For now, let’s take a lesson from this and remember that the bonds between any children are special. Help those bonds to grow, so they will have that familial support their entire lives. Despite that sibling rivalry; let’s get over it and move on. Let’s bond with the siblings or family of whatever sort we have while we have them.
Comments